empty mind

there are things you can only wish to understand… things that keeps on evading from being understood. sometimes you are left wondering why after all this years you still can’t fathom the depth or the certainty of some things.  is it really that perplexing?

you feel like you’ve exhausted already all the means, yet you found yourself in the midst of ways you haven’t tried yet. you want to try all of it at once, but you can’t.  now you know you haven’t counted hours or days, but years already. you don’t know if you have to drain your mind out or fill it up more.

yeah.. you know it… but you don’t want to accept it. probably you’re not comfortable with it so you still keep on looking for something you know doesn’t exist. you are not into satisfying your mind but your desire.

you can fault yourself too. you shouldn’t be spending time for it in the first place, yet you like the ecstasy of having just a thought of it. Although you know that there is a very thin line of enjoying it and be enslaved to it, yet you proceed. it’s fun anyway to enjoy being hurt.

…but have you ever think that i might be experiencing the same?

twenty-seven

Today is my birthday. I
want to make it special. Make it something unique… something worth
remembering. Anyway it’s the best time to remember your Creator, number your
days, ponder on the things you’ve learned, and simply straighten out your
wrongs. It’s the best time to give yourself a fresh start a brand new
beginning, a nice and good "day one" of a brand new you.

Looking back, there is some sense of contentment as far as
able-to-reach-this-far is concerned. But there is also a sense of disappointment in
reaching this far only. I’ve missed a lot the mark that was set before me…
faulty decisions, giving in to wrongs and evading righteous living. If only i
could review everything and draw my strength from the lessons i’ve learned, i
believe they’re enough to guide me where God is leading me. But my mind doesn’t
have the capacity to begin with, and my thoughts can only go as far as a few
days back. i can’t even make a year out of it.

I want to witness how the sun rises and how it sets far a across the sea. I’m
glad that after almost two weeks of raining here, i saw at last the rays of the
sun. I wake up late; i wasn’t able to witness the sunrise… I stay inside my
room the whole day; i even wasn’t able to smell a fresh air. i haven’t talked
to a lot of people. I muted my mobile phones ring tone and limit my response to
those who remember to short thank you’s… i just want to be alone.

It’s 10pm, and i feel sleepy again.

Maybe I’ll just let this day pass as it is… just as ordinary as it is because
there’s no laughter around… no birthday song… no smiling faces… no
well-wishers.. no food to eat too:D 

Maybe i’ll let this day pass in a specially unique way. That before i sleep i
will spend hours singing my heartful thanksgiving as I commune with God my
King. I will speak to Him His faithfulness, i will celebrate His goodness, i
will rejoice over His kindness and tell Him of the wondrous works he has done
in me.

I look for the day when i will remember my birthday no more, but the day i
died, when He will call me from a roll, that in forever then, i will be
with Him.